An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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