Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
