Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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