please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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