I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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