There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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