she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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