Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My hand turned me down
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Randomize
