Only a mothe r could love this liver
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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