i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
last night I used snow as a chaser
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
