so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
