Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
