a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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