It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
