Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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