my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize