Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he was CRYING into my vagina
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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