Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
