Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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