I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
