you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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