Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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