I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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