He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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