Small penises have feelings too.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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