It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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