I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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