I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
