i barfeds in our rink
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
