Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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