I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
