im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
