after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
