i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
