Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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