What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
