Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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