Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
