I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
