eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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