Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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