Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Randomize
