It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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