I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's get the cat blown out
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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