Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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