I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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