I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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