I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You pole danced in your parka.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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