Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
