i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
