i already hear my dad disowning me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
