Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is Oprah even human
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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