if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
