Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
